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[21 Feb 2005|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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Okay, folks. So if I seem to be a little annoyed at things, feel free to point this out. Suffice it to say that I'm not really upset.
It's been about three, four years since last I spoke to the rest of my family. I never told them why I just stopped talking to them out of the blue. I'm going to address this, in light of recent events. Firstly, we have my father. Who's just like me, except much more easily angered and less willing to allow other people to do their own thing. Since that especially applies to me, the child he doted on for so long, took care of and cared for (and I pray he never thinks that I've forgotten *everything* he's done for me, or that it's been taken for granted), the serious difference of opinion that we had regarding my life made it far easier to remove myself than it did to continue to put up with him (which, truth be told, was slowly driving me bat-shit insane. Sad, but true. Proof? I got away from him, and got a bit more sense about me. Not that it *stayed*, but then, I wasn't exactly totally sane to begin with. But I'm better now, if only because I'm aware of in what ways I differ from the common man. He did try to explain to me what the deal is, but I thought I understood and tried to tell him that. I do understand now, if only because I've lived with it, seen it in other people, synched with people who deal with it too and found out almost exactly what it is, what it does, and what it means.) Sure, my father's a bastard- I love him for it, despite our disagreements, and I take back most of the slights I meant. After all, he only ever did mean the best for me. Sadly, about the most relevant thing that we disagreed on, I still feel mostly the same way (I've matured, after all, and see the world differently, but then, to sit there and say it's not there has lead me down the path of destruction of myself and things around me every time, so I think I'll stay with what allows me to play nice with others *and* be able to use my mind without being inhibited by drugs, made stupid or slow through the application of medication.), and I fear that that bridge is irreconcilible. I still remember the promise to shoot me, after all. I doubt I'll ever forget it.
The rest of my family is a strange morass. I never really got to know or trust my brother, and I know better now than to treat my sister with anything more than casual respect, preferably from a distance. My mother (Or stepmother, if I am to be honest with these things) is kind, caring, and genuinely worries about me. But, I stopped talking to her the moment I got a mail that told enough of a story. Here's my side of it.
I'd been getting to know my sister again, because we hadn't talked in literally years. She'd gone to live with my parents (my biological parents divorced when we were young, tragic story in there somewhere. Having to live with my biological mother didn't do much for my social abilities or self-esteem, but then, I'd imagine that's where I get a lot of my self-absorbed nature from. It wasn't that she was *bad*, it's that she didn't seem to really *care* about me. I wasn't particularly abused (despite my father's promises that I'd blocked them out- memories aren't that easily forgettable, especially when I'm looking for them), but I wasn't really cared for much. There were times when she tried to do her 'duty', but most of them aren't fondly remembered. Still, there were some times I recall that I enjoyed, and so I can't label her quite as easily as some as cruel or mean-spirited. I just think that her and I have nothing in common these days, and have little desire to get to know her again.) and then had left, but we'd kept in touch a bit. Of course, I was trying to learn everything and remember and see what was right and what was wrong for myself- and then my sister attempted to curry favor with my parents. A very bad move on her part, made worse by the fact that the people she tried to manipulate didn't respond in quite the same fashion as she wished them to (Knowing my father, though, he reacted the way she'd intended him to, even if he didn't totally trust her. I know him well enough to know who he trusts and who he doesn't- more than she did. But then, to someone who has always had to make herself look better by casting others down, how was she to know that my father would simply cast both down in similar ways?), and my mother got in touch with me, asking why I didn't love her and that my sister had said this and that and this and that.
I don't curry favor. I will do as I see fit, I will love as I will. I operate on an equal basis, and the only person I dedicate myself to is myself. Humble? If by humble, you mean willing to discount myself and my abilities, you're right. I am what I am, but my measure is made of what I'm willing to do. I do not need nor want to manipulate people into love (how can it be love, if you have to manipulate them?).
That said, I wish I could reconcile things with my father. I misjudged a lot of his actions around me- not that I take back about his person. I have every reason to believe that he's a dangerous person with paranoid tendencies (But then, the way he grew up molded him into that. To ask him not to be would be to give him the choice to be something that he's never been, and I don't expect anyone to walk out into the unknown like that. I still remember a story of his life to me, where he was offered a job working for a friend of his who *couldn't* hire him away. My father had to quit before he could even be offered a job, and he told me how frightening that was for him. To ask him to subject himself to that fear all over again would break my heart, no matter how much I want him to change), but that doesn't mean that he doesn't mean well for people. The job he did (although I don't know what he does these days, but I'm reasonably certain he doesn't work for Howard Co. Govt. anymore- I couldn't find his name anywhere on the site they put up, even though I could find the people he once worked with.) put him in a position to help people, to give them better places to live, to make sure that those people who would screw them over got paid for it. He's a humanitarian besides all those things, and above all else, he wants people to live well.
The reason for all of this? My brother got back in touch with me. Said he had to tell me something important, so I repsonded to him. And he *hasn't gotten back in touch with me*. So, instead of letting confusion reign here and letting things run amok, I've decided to plug this in, explaining why I did what I did so that everyone can know the reasons behind my enforced schism and wanderlust (although I know that people have been checking on me from time to time. Even if I haven't been able to notice, I see the repurcutions, and people talk to me about things. I can put together what it all means, and I remember that it wouldn't have been the first time you've hired a private investigator.).
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[12 Feb 2005|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Who knows what this is? |
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"Now then, my home-boys, that wasn't at all bad. In fact, it was rather funky-fresh! Filbert! What are you doing now?"
"I-I'm keepin' it real, you know what I'm sayin'? I'm keepin' it fly, you know what I'm sayin'? I'm flushing out the funky mix down, you know what I'm saying? I'm keepin' it real, fly, with the hip with rap or whatever, yeah!"
"Now throw your arms in the air, and wave them as if there were no consequence!"
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| Life! |
[28 Jan 2005|12:31am] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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I swear I hate this. Just all of this is so getting on my nerves. Just the constant BS from everything, and everything going wrong that could possibly be going wrong. I swear, I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to deal with things around here. I need to get out, get out of this city, get away from everything and figure things out again. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone, and I'm so *frustrated* with everything around me for everything. It's so stresseful and disappointing!
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| Plowed (take from this what you will) |
[26 Jan 2005|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Sponge- Plowed |
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Will I wake up some dream I made up,
No I guess it's reality
What will change us or will we mess up
Only chance to connect with the dream
Say a prayer for me (say a prayer for me)
Say a prayer for me
Say a prayer for me (say a prayer for me)
I'm buried by the sound
Of a world of human wreckage,
In a world of human wreckage,
In a world of human wreckage,
Well I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground,
I'm plowed into the sound...
See wide open with a head that's broken
Hang a life on some tragedy
Plow me under the ground that covers
The message that is the seed
Say a prayer for me (say a prayer for me)
Say a prayer for me
Say a prayer for me (say a prayer for me)
I'm buried by the sound
Of a world of human wreckage,
In a world of human wreckage,
In a world of human wreckage,
Well I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground,
I'm plowed into the sound...
Will I wake up, some dream I made up?
No, I guess it's reality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, feeling pretty disconnected from everything. That, and the weather sucks- I'm tired of sticking my way through snow without boots. A week and a half from now, I'll have them once again...
Ah well. I'll live.
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[21 Jan 2005|01:44pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Disturbed: Darkness |
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Don't turn away, I pray you've heard the words I've spoken
Dare to believe, oh, for one last time
Then I'll let the darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own.
Carry me away, I need your strength to get me through this
Dare to believe, oh, for one last time
Then I'll let the darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
Dare to believe, oh for one last time
Then I'll let the darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own.
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| Another day in paradise |
[16 Jan 2005|11:28am] |
Woo. Bored. Working, again. Got stuck with a tape that's jacked seventeen ways to Sunday. Headache from trying to figure it out.
Game's been started! Finally. And it's working out a hell of a lot better than I thought it would. I'm pleased with what I see so far, and I've gotten positive feedback from the players. Sinking the plot hooks in early, though, so it's all good.
Tonight's going to be the test of combat- whether or not what I think will work will work, though I can't see it working as slow as some. All in all, it should be fine. (Now if only my players could get dice of their own...;))
Diva should be back in town tonight. Posts are coming back on Tuesday.
I'm going to get back to work now so I can get out of here.
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| Spiral Staircase--Please help! :) |
[12 Jan 2005|12:18pm] |
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mood |
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Faith No More- Epic |
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This is probably going to get the normal, wide range of responses that this journal normally does (crickets are my friends. crickets are my friends. crickets are my friends.), but what the hell. Organizing thoughts here, looking for feedback. I've got an idea for a story arc of some kind that's very likely going to get called "Spiral Staircase." I've got a general premise, vague notions of plot still forming and running around in my head (which is to say, the specifics aren't nailed down, but I do plan on going somewhere with this), I've got various roles to fill. (For any of you interested, I've been digging through Illuminatus! Trilogy and pulling gross concepts that I want it to fill- law of fives is going to be a big theme (that the main characters aren't aware of), and the parts themselves are referencing the five stages (Thesis(chaos), Antithesis(order), Synthesis(confusion), Parenthesis(bureaucracy), and Downfall(aftermath)).
The general story arc outline bases itself along a group of five individuals (each one representing and exemplified by each of these five stages, hence, each section focuses more on one individual than the others). The character types are going to be Creator(artistic), Leader(someone who manages to bring the others together against the odds that they're going to be facing), Peacemaker (the lynchpin of the group- either an active force for diplomacy or the one that really connects the group and brings them together), the Organizer(someone able to cut through the bullshit and see what really is; however, personal morality prevents the necessary action taken to reach the final stage, or that the advancement is seen as less than preferable to what's already possessed), and the Antihero/Sacrifice(the one who succeeds at the goal, yet damns themself irreparably and eternally in the action- or, to reference, the one who first succeeds in linking the logogram and biogram, but whose biogram is so warped as to bring about a horrific thing).
...I need characters for this thing. Mostly names and things brought to bear- personal histories and notions and ideas and identities for these people. The setting's very modern day, in $CITY. If you want to know more, most of you know where to catch me, one way or another.
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| This is why I don't watch TV... |
[11 Jan 2005|01:06pm] |
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So I'm down at a local shop getting lunch (because, let's face it, I can't cook to save my life without a microwave, and I'm deathly afraid of the kitchen here), and they, as usual, have a television going. And today, it's turned to CNN or Headline News or Bloomington or Fox News or one of those things- not like I have the presence of mind to discern one bootlicking party-toer from another. So while I'm there watching this, two things get spoken about, both of which do little but to reinforce held opinions regarding the American Populace. The first story (and they referenced this with the recent tsunami) was about a California mudslide that killed, as far as they can tell so far, a whole Three People.
Three people dead. Certainly, I don't particularly wish them ill one way or another, but there's something incredibly horrible to me about blowing it out to the proportions that it was getting air time. I mean, I shouldn't have to quote numbers here, because (hopefully) you all know about the various public awareness ads of "Every X minutes/seconds/microseconds/Planck Time, X $CRIME happens across America." It's just the sheer pettiness of the people broadcasting it that blows my mind- yes, damage to someone's one was done, yes, that's horrible, but it's not like there aren't people to whom things like that happen all the time. It just demonstrates to me that News is simply another form of Entertainment, one held out to the masses to appease them like rabid dogs snapping at a proffered sack of wet kittens. (And for some reason, I get the notion that this would sell on PPV...if PETA or any of the pro-animal-rights organizations didn't beat them to it or sue the hell out of them).
The second thing I noticed was a lawyer being brought up on counts of terrorism. What did she do? Plant bombs? No. Hold hostages? Nope. Organize cells with the ultimate point of bringing down the regime of X $COUNTRY? Not at all. She simply published the words of her client (An Egyptian Sheik whose name escapes me, and I likely couldn't spell it properly at any rate. Curse my ignorance of Arabic, at times.) I'm certainly not against the punishment that this indvidual has (solitary confinement for a very, very, very long time, with only being able to see family and lawyer), and I certainly don't approve of the actions that were taken by those who thought they were following this guy's will... but I'd always felt that the U.S. was a place where people could say as they will- even if this guy didn't have the right to communicate with those people, that she put into print her client's words (in her words, to keep him in the public eye), and now she's considered a threat to the government?
What a fuckin' world we live in, eh?
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[07 Jan 2005|06:46am] |
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music |
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DAAS Broad Lic Nic |
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Well, I'm in sufficient state of mind to write this, which is to say that I've sorted out my take on what it is and how I feel about this.
I'm moving again. I mean, this was not totally unexpected coming into it, since I'd been warned that they might not want a fourth person. I nodded, and agreed. I've been told that it's not anything I've done, and I honestly believe that. For once, it's almost nice, in a way, to have to leave somewhere and *not* have it be traced back to some stupid mistake I made. And I'm given a generous, lenient amount of time to be out by... which will be useful. I'm glad, honestly, that I'd finally been told one way or another, even if all the cues I could see influenced me to believe the other way.
The hard parts are going to be getting enough work, scaling back my appetite to save the cash, finding a place where I'm not going to feel like I'm a social outcast (and my own combination of morbid, Subgenius, elitist, and mostly apathetic beliefs, combined with the fact that I'm a positive nightmare of a TS effectively means that rooms for rent are going to be difficult to come across where I don't set *someone* off by doing my own thing, which is most of the reason I'm frustrated with this search!), and then the insane nature of the cost of rooms for rent in Boston. Being able to locate something less than 400$/month, I feel, is going to be nigh impossible, especially with how picky I'm being. I hate to say it, but I really feel like something's got to give, one way or another, and knowing me, I'll sell myself short trying to find a measure of comfort.
Oh well. I knew all this when I came to Boston, so it's nobody's bag but my own. :)
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| Quote of the day! |
[04 Jan 2005|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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*Cheshire* Steve> But why poke? I mean, why can't we be truly "furry" and emulate the rabid pack of wolves, preying on the weaker and less capable members in an orgiastic fit of nihilism?
*Vinci* Holy Nietzschlings, Cheshire!
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| And the kicker! |
[03 Jan 2005|07:42am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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...So my car's missing. I'm thinking, no big deal. It probably just got towed. So I get home from work this morning, go through the motions of telling them about it...and then they tell me that they don't have any information regarding it. So I'm told go down to the station with my ID and they'll be able to look it up... except they can't because I don't have a MA DL. Granted, I don't remember my plate ID (grrr), but if I could, they'd be able to tell me definitively whether or not they had it. That they can't find it is making me amused that my car has been stolen...which, to me, is so much more preferable to having it have been towed. It solves the problem of what I'm going to do with it and gets a nuisance out of my hair. It's not like I don't walk, take the bus, or the subway everywhere *anyway*... and it also means that I'm not going to have to drop far too much cash into getting it out of impound. Nothing important was in it anyway, and I doubt that I'd have been able to get more than $100 out of it.
I'm very, very amused.
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| Somewhere, there is a crime happening. |
[03 Jan 2005|05:06am] |
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I just got to see, about an hour ago, a jewelry store get knocked over! And then I went to talk to the cops about it to tell them what it was I was looking at! I love this town! I've never seen a robbery in progress before.
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| WHEEEEHEEHEHHEEEEEE |
[03 Jan 2005|12:18am] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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Whatever's on my CD player... |
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...All nighter at work again. I'm *touched in the head*. I know that I have effectively six hours of work in, and another four to go before I'm finished. That'll bring up my time to a grant total of about eighteen hours when it's all said and done (and if I don't die tonight, I'll consider doing this frequently. After all, it's not like I'm trapped in here, and it's not like I don't do things all night *anyway*.), which means that I'll have about twenty more hours to put in over the next three days. Not bad for someone who took Friday and Saturday off. Short Days R Us... hoping that there will be work here over the next few days, though. :D
Also, the Anthrochat link seems to be down (which means I can't connect to it), and menagerie.tf seems to be refusing to talk to Puzzlebox, which means that's out of the picture as well. Oh well. All the more reason to focus on what I'm doing for now.
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| Candy Corn |
[31 Dec 2004|08:05pm] |
How to explain this? Humanity is silly in its ways of demarcation; people have been asking me if I've had a good 2004, if I'm happy to see it go or whatnot. Of course, I bite my tongue and not say that 2004 is simply an imaginary concept placed into the social interaction medium to allow people to coordinate things over the span of periods, and is the most convenient large-scale change that's noticable by the average human mind.
That having been said, even using those notations to record things, I've decided to do some reminiscing back one year ago and see what's changed in my life, and significant things that have happened since this date last year.
Got my heart ripped out. Wonderful way to celebrate the opening of the year, too. But, perhaps it was one of the better reasons to get myself in order, and try to start taking care of myself better than I had been.
Bounced around from place to place, trying to find somewhere to settle and actually enjoy it. I think I've found it, but the jury's still out on that right yet.
Went from a confused, chaotic, half-assed individual into a person who actually puts effort into things. The ramifications of this are still bewildering to me.
Learned that I can undoubtedly despise someone for being both valueless and worthless. If you don't know who I'm talking about, that's OK.
Developed a solid identity and sense of self. Quite possibly the biggest and most important change I've made over the past year. I came to terms with myself and learned how to do anything I really wanted to- found out that what I'd been taught to believe my entire life was really true. Not quite shocking, but certainly a surprise.
Learned about flouroculture. It's something worthy of aspiration, even if I'm a bit too jaded to come to complete appreciation and activity of it.
Learned about Puzzlebox. For a Muck, it's possibly one of the best things I've come across. Possibly the best example of flouroculture. Following this, I learned about post-scarcity and post-modern thought, and appreciated both.
There's others, of course, but that's the public information. Or at least, that which I'm willing to share. Even with the people I love, there are some things I have to keep to myself as of yet.
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| ...Zuh? |
[30 Dec 2004|06:26pm] |
...I just got given keys to work.
Apparently by virtue of me being here, I'm set for work for the weekend. Since no management is going to be here at all, Jane gave me a set of keys with the comment "I don't know if I'm going to want you to keep them or not."
The hell? I haven't even had my *performance review* yet.
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| Can't sleep. |
[28 Dec 2004|03:13am] |
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moody |
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music |
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This Celluloid Dream |
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Yeah, two in one day. Wanted to do something, so lyrics, AFI, This Celluloid Dream
Calling tears from deep inside
Oh you're so exquisite
And in the mirror
All midnight eyes.
Oh if I could remain!
But it's just a visit
All midnight eyes
Read "Vacancy!"
Twisted
Twisting
To the lovely dancing lights
I begged "May I cut in"
But they never stopped
Playing "their song"
Of a joyous song they sing
I've heard whispers
On a freezing note
I resonate!
Just like romantic verses, just like the joyous end,
Just like the memory it twists me
Just like romantic verses, just like the joyous end,
Twi-ii-ii-iist...twisting me!
You land as lightly as the new snow (cinematic)
Onto the melting boy (and melt away)
You land as gently, you're so (cinematic)
Bathed in your radiance, I melt!
In the glitter, in the dark
Sunk into velvet
Praying this
Will never end
In the shadow of a star
In static pallor
I realized I
Never began!
Just like romantic verses, just like the joyous end,
Just like the memory it twists me
Just like romantic verses, just like the joyous end,
Twi-ii-ii-iist...twisting me!
You land as lightly as the new snow (cinematic)
Onto the melting boy (and melt away)
You land as gently, you're so (cinematic)
Bathed in your radiance, I melt!
All the colors
Upon leaving
All will turn to grey.
All the colors
Upon leaving
All will turn to grey
(All grey!)
All the colors
(All grey!)
Upon leaving
(All grey!)
All will turn to grey
(All grey!)
All the colors
(All grey!)
Upon leaving
(All grey!)
All will turn to grey
Grey...twisting me!
You land as lightly as the new snow (cinematic)
Onto the melting boy (and melt away)
You land as gently, you're so (cinematic)
Bathed in your radiance,
You land as lightly as the new snow (cinematic)
You land as lightly as the new snow (and melt away)
You land as lightly as the new snow (cinematic)
Bathed in your radiance, I melt!
-AFI, This Celluloid Dream
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| Random update! |
[28 Dec 2004|02:10am] |
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 energetic |
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music |
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Shooting Star |
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One of those days today. Going to be a short day, too, so that I can get something akin to sleep and be rested enough to make it into work early. I need to put in about 20 hours over the next two days. Huzzah.
On another note, I've decided to start dropping characters in this journal as I think of them. I mean, after all, I operate them enough on various places (Game, mucks, RP, what have not) that I might as well *detail* some of them here. So, today's character du jour (What's that? The character of the day. That sounds good, I'll try that) is a spur of the moment deal from SPRmuck, as well as a tribute to one of my favorite religions and a testament to my own vanity. Let's hear it for Eris the Coyote!
Yeah, I know Eris was greek, and Coyotes are American southwest. Bite me, nonbelievers.
Eris claims not to be a god (would you?). She claims to be from all over, and apparently scoots around to keep out of trouble. Her favorite food is hot dogs, but she has an incredible fondness for golden delicious apples. She's been known to rally for the rights of (fae, elves, counter lint), and has pulled out from vest pockets such wonderful things as marbles, yellow submarines, rubber chickens, reels of original RHPS footage, you get the idea. She's inherenty chaotic, neither nice nor bad, with a streak of mischeif that would get her in trouble more often if she was liked less.
And now you know.
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[23 Dec 2004|10:35pm] |
My bed is too big.
Seriously, actually. It's like, the bed I'm currently sleeping in is this double sized thing, and this room is too small for just it. What I want to do is buy three things- a set of shelves, a folding card table to work on, and an air mattress or hammock or cot to sleep on. Follow that up with a desk, and I'll be a happy, if cluttered, person. :D
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| Wheeeee |
[23 Dec 2004|12:37am] |
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OK, folks. I've been giving someone a hard time of late, and I really wanted to say "I've been a moron." Yeah, the person gets on my nerves and strikes that one little nerve that drives the reflex-smite, but beyond that, I'd imagine he's a decent enough person. Sure, he may be a little clueless, but that's OK. I've forgotten the basic tenants of slack of late, and I need to reclaim them the best way I know how. So, I've taken tomorrow off so that I can get some things done that I've been ignoring. And giving people that classic apathy, because hey, it's their life.
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shaytreyden's journal